Vaginal Knitting....Need I say more?
I have so many conflicting feelings.......
What would Lisette say about this? I must know.
As you may be aware, we are unable to have Google advertising on our site as our content is considered 'Lewd'.
Is this lewd?
Is it art?
Is it feminism?
I can't knit at all, let alone knit out of my vagina. So really, I need to say "Well done" or something.
My star sign is Libra. I can see both sides of every story.... I'm stumped. I don't know what to think...or say.
But maybe I do have a question: Who the hell has the time to knit continuously.......
out of their VAGINA?
Recently, our dear Lorde has been in the firing line for a whole lot of that 'she said-you said bullshit'. She has readily voiced her opinions on other pop singers and honestly discussed what she thinks of the image they are portraying to their young fans. What a furore she has caused! Usually pop singers (if we can really lump her into that crowd) are not ones to bust each others chops. They remain tight lipped about any less than perfect opinions they may have. I have also noticed this tends to be an American thing. If you have anything other than blatant drooling praise to offer an American celebrity then you best not say anything. If you do, prepare to be hated by a whole country of patriotic celebrity worshippers. The English and New Zealand cultures are different. We tend to take the piss out of all people more. It is seen as an affectionate way to relate to people. Give them shit with a smile on your face. If kiwis are too nice, that's when you need to worry. I think Americans tend to be the opposite. Of course I am generalising.Remember what happened when Ricky Jervais dared to make fun of all the American celebrities at the Golden Globes? It was an outrage! People just could not believe that anyone would dare take a jibe at the American royalty. But you know what? Why the hell are celebrities so special? They're in movies. So what? I raise two kids. I have kept them alive for five and two years, with no nanny whatsoever! Where is my fucking Golden Globe?The fact that Lorde has dared to voice her honest opinion of her peers actually makes me respect her even more. Why? Because I totally agree with what she has to say! All of it! The media keeps hyping up anything she says as "disses" but I'd doubt if any of her statements are meant to be offensive. Read on and see what you think....
When you're ready come and get it (x2)
- Lorde has said of rappers Nicki Minaj and Drake: "Those rappers make music that doesn't relate to most people's lives. They all sing about such opulence. It's completely irrelevant" True and hardly offensive. I suspect this was in the context of her song Royals, which questions the relevance of rap lyrics in a middle class society. Lorde has also said in an interview with Vivo lift that the lyrics to royals were not to be taken too seriously. Funny how that interview has not been picked up by the media so much, huh?
- Of Taylor Swift Lorde has said: "She is so flawless, and so unattainable and I don't know if it is breeding anything good in young girls." Also very true. Mariana recently saw Tay-Tay in the flesh at her Auckland concert. One of the first things she said to me (other than how amazing she was) was "She is sooooo skinny!" Taylor confessed to Vogue magazine in the Feb 2012 issue, how as a performer, she feels very pressured to stay thin. I personally recall seeing her on The Graham Norton Show last year. When the host mentioned something about her having done modelling, she reacted strangely, it was as if she was almost offended. "Haha! No. That's very kind of you but no!" Even though is she stunning and very thin she could not believe that he had thought she could possibly be a model. So much perfection and still so much un-ease. What a shame. I totally agree with Lorde's comment. Is over-perfection a healthy influence on anyone? It's definitely fucked my head up from time to time!
- Of Selena Gomez's song Come and Get It, Lorde has said: "I'm a feminist and the theme of her song is, when you're ready come and get it from me. I am sick of women being portrayed like this." Damn straight! So am I! Have you seen/heard Selena's song? Not only is it a bad, bad song, but she is dancing around provocatively, singing 'When you're ready come and get it!" I mean, come on! Fair fucking comment! No? If you are still not sure here are some lyrics....
Na na na (x3)You ain’t gotta worry it’s an open invitation
I’ll be sittin’ right here real patient
All day all night I’ll be waitin’ standby
Selena's reaction was quite interesting. She fired back: "It's not feminism if you're tearing down other artists".Well actually it kind of is. Being bold enough to take a stand for what you believe in kind of epitomises feminism. And anyway Selena, don't take is so personally! It's not a jibe at you! Just the song you sing, which you didn't write. It's okay, it's no secret. I found out that it was written by Ester Dean with just a quick googling!
Lorde is not actually the one who should be on trial for running her mouth. The media is who is responsible for running back and forth between pop stars and sprouting out lines like "OOh Selena!/Taylor!/Britney! Lorde said this about you! What do you have to say back". I mean come on! Grow up! And why is Lorde being judged so harshly? She's not perfect. No one actually is. And no one should feel like they have to be. Isn't that kinda her whole point?
- Of now adult child stars, Miley Cyrus and Britney Spears Lorde said: "The difference between those kids and me is that I grew up completely normally and I am way less inclined to be like "Look at me! I'm Fucking Mental!" once again fair comment. Both Miley and britney grew up entirely in the public eye, like performing show ponies. Than can't be that easy on a kid. All the falseness and so much pressure to stay on top of the game. It's no wonder child stars lose their shit by the time they reach their 20s! When Lorde's in the USA I bet she gets treated like royalty, but when she get's back to NZ she'll just be 'that girl from Takapuna' again. I imagine that would be quite nice!
Check out this vid below! Isn't she awesome.
As you may have previously read here I can be a bit of a grinch this time of year. So I have compiled a list of things you can try to get yourself de-grinched! Give it a try, who knows you may be ho-ho-ho-ing with rest of 'em in no time!
Decorate the tree! Hell, decorate your whole house!Get into it! Get the kids to help; make some decorations; string pop corn snow or make paper chains. Once it's all up, you may find you have a heart-warming sense of satisfaction from the task. Here's how my tree decorating went this year!Watch Christmas movies! Start watching Christmas movies! There is something contagious about Christmas cheer, even if it is fake movie cheer. Go on. Make some pop-corn and stick on a good old fashioned movie. Home Alone is one of my faves. Make presents instead of buying them!If you are a little short of cash and have quite a few small gestures of kindness to rustle up, how about making something? No body needs as much chocolate as they get at Christmas. Check out this site for great ideas of things you can make for Christmas. I am very curious to try to make one of these secret hollow books for my son!Donate to a Charity!Doing good deeds makes you happy. It has been proven by Harvard students in numerous studies so it has to be true. Apparently giving to others makes us feel better than giving to ourselves. I must admit to getting a kick out of buying things for my kids, but when I buy for myself I tend to feel guilty. Giving to a charity or donating to a food bank at Christmas is a win-win. You get to help people in need and you get a big dose of satisfaction that you have helped make someone life a bit better. I guess if you're grinching out, it is nice to feel like you aren't all bad, huh?Send cards/make and send cards!In the UK, Christmas cards are a big deal. If you don't send out Christmas cards you are basically committing social suicide. In New Zealand Christmas cards aren't so big. We usually only get two. One from a Real Estate agent and one from someone in England that is actually addressed to someone who used to live here about 10 years ago. But cards are nice. They are nice to send too. Taking the time to think of all the ones you love and address a card to them, then remembering to post the blighters - that's love right there!
Making cards for people is even cooler. I would so rather get a home made card than a store bought card any day. The cool thing about making cards is that your kids can help. Also you can personalise them a bit. The other thing is you can make them wildly inappropriate if the recipient is into that kind of thing! It can be hard to find inappropriate cards these days. Sing! Go to Carols by candle light! Teach your kids Christmas Songs!My son Cohen wants to be rich. He has informed me that I am to learn a repertoire of Christmas songs on my guitar so that he may provide the accompanying vocals. Then we are going to busk at the Sunday markets. Then he says, we will be rich. While I am not quite sure about this plan, I do agree that singing Christmas carols actually makes them much more bearable. They play everywhere this time of year. You may as well sing along! Supermarket? Go ahead, belt it out! Do a little dance in the isles too while you're at it!This year we are going to go to Carols by Candlelight and sing as loud as we can. I am actually looking forward to it.
Replace the things you hate about Christmas with things you love. I hate fruit cake. Basically if cake doesn't have chocolate associated to it in some way I just don't see any reason to eat it. That's why this year I am going to make a chocolate mud cake! I'm gonna add some delicious fruits to it, like fresh berries and nuts. Yum. Already makes Christmas more appealing. Make everyone in your family write a Christmas listIt makes shopping so much easier if you know what you are looking for. Don't forget to write one for yourself either. Give it your loved ones! If you want presents these days you have to be pretty blatant about it!DelegatePersonally, I find Christmas stressful. There are lots of things to do and not always enough time to do it. We have two kids to buy for and it can be hard thinking up good ideas for gifts that will not be either destroyed in seconds or used as weapons against each other. It is hard for one person to do it all. If your other half is a bit of a stick in the mud (read: dickbag), you may have to delegate some tasks to him or her. This way you wont get to Christmas day and feel like you hate the world.
If you are looking for something fun to do these holidays, don't go to Stonehenge Aotearoa. I have mentioned Stonehenge Aoteaoroa in a previous post of 'Things not to do before you die.' But across the road from this ludicrous tourist attraction is a really cool abandoned house. It is on private property so you are probably not allowed to visit it, but we felt we needed something after spending a fortune on looking at plastic stones.
The "Old house on the hill" was supposedly bought for a Farmer's wife but they split up so it was left to rot. A fitting tribute to a failed marriage.....
Sounds simple enough, right? Locate your fake tree or murder a real one; stick it up in you house and decorate it. Simple, right? WRONG. Nothing is ever simple in my house.
My mother was over from Melbourne last week and she was determined to shake me out of my grinchy ways so she bought me a new Christmas tree! We were at the store when she started fawning over Chrstmas decotations. I replied with a grumble.
"That is it!" she snapped. "I have had enough of your grinching! White or silver?"
"Huh?" I replied.
"White or silver?" she repeated.
"Um silver?" I responded.
Next thing I knew we were back home and putting up my new silver tree. It was beautiful. I smiled at it. I could feel some of the bad Christmas-Ju Ju melting away. Next was time for the decorations to be applied.whilst at the store my mother had ordered me to choose some decorations. My eyes were caught by a box of beautiful baubles. Blues, greens and sparkly options of the two. I was happy with my choice. We applied the baubles and stood back and marvelled at our fantastic tree. If Tinkerbell had a Christmas tree, it would look like this!
Then my almost two year old son woke from his nap. I don't know why I hadn't thought about it. You see, Donnie is obsessed with balls. OBSESSED. He wants nothing more in his life than balls of all shapes and sizes. I actually considered getting him a giant box of ping-pong balls for Christmas because it would quite honestly blow his little mind! As soon as Donnie was up and out of bed he stood transfixed by the new sparkly feature piece in our living room. His eyes were wide. He raised one chubby little finger and muttered in a crazed daze "BALL!"
I tried to catch him, but he was quick. His little feet padded in a fury towards my new sparkly tree! Next second, the tree was down and Donnie was revelling amongst the tinsel trying to remove as many "BALLS" as possible. Don't worry, he was fine. The tree on the other hand was not so fine. If you thought that plastic baubles do not shatter, you are mistaken. They do. Terribly so. My mother looked at me in a
"Now I kinda get why you didn't want a tree" way.
We persevered. We put the tree back up and re-baubled. We tied said tree to the ceiling to prevent it from falling down. Donnie was not pleased with this. He now saw 'tree tossing' as a new sport. He tried his best to rip the tree from the ceiling, to no avail. The baubles on the other hand were not as sturdy. If they were not smashed into pieces on contact, the boys would play catch with them willing them to break. No amount of 'Mum Voice' could stop them. My mother (known as Mooni-mar (don't ask!)) moved all baubles to higher safer ground up the tree. It was no use. Donnie got a chair. He is a determined little sausage, I'll give him that! But after Donnie managed to scale the tree and get a smaller bauble in his mouth, I had to call it. "Thats it! It's going back in the box!"
"No! Mum no!" called Cohen, convinced that Santa wouldn't come if we didn't have a tree.
"Ball" said Donnie.
So now my pretty sparkle tree is in a box, taking up space in my hall way. Bloody Christmas.
I fucking hate Christmas. I hate it. Hate hate hate. Hate hate hate. I am sorry to offend all of you Ho Ho Ho-ing, happy clappy, carol singing' Santa lovin' freaks out there (like Mariana), but I just can't pretend any more.
Christmas is just plain awful. The crowds; the excessive spending of hard earned money on crap nobody needs or probably even wants; the stress of not getting the right gift; the planning of the Christmas day; the to-ing and fro-ing from relative to relative just so everyone feels like you have made an appearance; the excessive eating that is never actually as good as it sounds like it will be; the late comers that make pudding into a midnight activity; the fact that every Christmas card has snow on it! I mean hello! Look outside! It is sunny you dick bags!
Most of all, I hate the lack of presents. Yep, there it is. I am selfish and childish. I want presents. Lots and lots of them. Since having children and the Lover-man and I decided 'not to bother on presents for us' I have never ever seen another present again in my life. It fucking sucks. I spend so much time and energy decorating the tree with the kids, making Christmas cookies, sussing out their presents, choosing stocking fillers, laying out reindeer poop in the backyard, and what do I get? Nothing! I don't even get a thank you from the kids because they have Santa to thank for the fun don't they? What a fucking jip! Christmas was invented to fuck parents, no mothers (Cus lets face it, we actually do all the work), over!
I wasn't always like this! I swear! I used to LOVE Christmas! I organised Christmas dinners and made everyone dress up. I baked. I sang. I went to Carols by fucking Candle Light. I was amongst it man. But having kids kind of made me an adult. Because I was no longer allowed to be selfish, I had to do stuff all for them and somewhere along they way that made me a little bitter. Don't get me wrong, It's not that I don't enjoy it. There is nothing more wonderful than seeing their little faces light up on Christmas morning! I do look forward to that part very much. It does make me very happy to simply make them happy. But. Even the most selfless people can't help but think: What about me? Where's my presents?
But fear not. I am determined to change my Bahumbugging ways. I am turning over a new leaf. No more grinching. I am a born again Christmas-er. So what do I do to get into the Christmas Spirit? Where do I start?
Well for one, I have informed Lover Man that the deal is off. From now on we buy each other gifts. Now that that's out of the way I have to get rid of my bad-Chrsitmas Ju-Ju. And to do that I have just the thing! A little bit of Christmas magic to remove the negativity!
First thing is first though. It's time to change the attitude! Why do you hate Christmas? Assess what parts you hate and see if you can find a way do it differently so you don't hate it. Make Christmas your own. Not religious? Then make it about giving good will to all men. Got no money? Plan to make gifts for people out of stuff you have already. Get into the spirit of giving! If you don't have family around at Christmas catch up with friends and make some new traditions. Hate fruit cake? Make your own Christmas chocolate cake! The Christmas world is your oyster!
De-Grinch your house. Before we move on to decorating our house it is imperative to remove the Bad Christmas Ju-Ju. If you are like me, your house will be thick with it! To do this we need to flush out the bad Ju-Ju and then replace it with some good!
Magic Spell for De-Grinching and removing Bad-Christmas Ju-Ju from your home.
You will need: Pen and paper, a white candle, a small bowl of salt, a feather, an incense holder and incense sticks of sage, pine and lavender. If you can't find pine, sandalwood will work too, but pine will add to the Christmas vibe!
Place the bowl of salt in the room of your home where you spend most of your time, like in the living room or kitchen. The salt will help absorb negative energy. Place the white candle next to it and light it. Now take a pen and two pieces of paper. On the first piece white down everything you hate about Christmas. Be honest and brutal. Fold it up and place it next to the candle. On the second piece of paper write a prayer to ward off any negative energy in your home and replace it with good. It can be anything you want, as long as it is special to you and you mean it. If you'd rather just wing and say whatever comes to mind it that is fine too. Take your incense sticks and stick them in an incense holder and light them. Now take your feather and walk through your home wafting your incense and reciting your prayer. Focus on the areas that you feel have the most negativity, like where the Christmas tree will go perhaps. Once you have been through the house the few times, place the incense next to the salt and candle to continue burning for a bit. Take your folded piece of paper which you wrote all the negative thoughts on and burn it in the candle flame. Throw any ash into the wind. Your home has been cleansed of the bad and replaced with the good!
Stay tuned for my 10 Things to get even the Grumpiest Grinches into the Christmas Spirit!
Amour by LisetteI love sun block. It is a total lifesaver. Why? Because, unlike Mariana I do not tan. Mariana only has to look at the sun and she goes from pale to mega bronzed bambino in seconds. It is not fair. I have always been jealous of her tanning super power. I remember when we were teenagers (and foolishly ignorant of the evils of sunlight) Mariana would recommend we sit on the deck, oil our bellies and sun them. Why not, I thought. 10 minutes later Mariana was toasted a nice chocolate colour while I was still sporting a moon tan. Seriously, with the oil on top of the whiteness I really could've taken down a plane or two! I was determined to get some colour though, so while Mariana decided to add to her crispiness, I stuck it out. 10 minutes later, still nothing. Later that day I pulled off my top to jump in the shower when I was met with Pink Belly. My stomach was so burnt I couldn't sleep for days! and the shower that followed the discovery was so painful I may have cried. Mariana was fine. Bitch. From there on in I embraced my pastiness, with fake tan of course! And sunblock. Always with the sun block. As I see it, sunblock stops me from hurting. If I do not religiously apply sunblock every single time I go into the sun I will be burnt to a crisp. And if I do get burnt somehow I pay for it in dry leather look skin for weeks. Sunblock is a fantastic invention. We should all embrace it! Imagine living pre sunblock invention! How awful. People who do not use sunblock are just being ungrateful. Think of all our forefathers who died of exposure or undiagnosed skin cancer! It is just blatantly disrespectful not to use sunblock if it is available. So there! Interesting facts on Sunblock.
Haine by MarianaI hate sunblock. It feels weird on my hands. When my husband or daughter asks me to put sunblock on them, I sigh. Why do I have to do it?Because I can't reach my own back.Can't you get someone else to do it?You are the only person here with me on this isolated beach.SighWhen I was young, I didn't have to wear sunblock because the ozone wasn't completely fucked. Those were the days.
- The first sunblock ever made was red. It was known as Red Veterinary Petrolatum and used by the American soldiers of the Second world war.
- In 1946 the first effective white sunblock was marketed as Glacier Cream and was the basis of the company Piz Buin. It had an SPF of 2.
- The invisible sunblock we have today is triumph of Nanotechnology. In the past sunblocks were thick and white, as the particles of the active ingredients zinc oxide and titanium dioxide were to large and reflected the light, causing them to look white on the skin. Nowadays sunblock is an invisible barrier against the sun's evil UVs. Kind of James Bond, no?
What's in sunblock? I mean, what's really in it? Is it going to be one of those things that is killing us all without us knowing it? Are there some crazy chemicals in there disrupting our DNA or whatever? Probably. Check out this article to freak you out.
The other annoying thing about sunblock is having to remember it.You get all packed up for the beach - towels, surfboard, petanque, frisbee, dog, kid, water bottle.Oh no we forgot the sunscreen!Well we will have to go home and get it otherwise we will all DIE.Now don't get me wrong - I wear sunblock. I'm not saying don't wear it. That would be stupid. I'm just saying I hate it. And I am allowed to hate whatever I want.I have to go. We are going to the beach and some annoying family member wants me to sticky up my hands for them.
Once upon a time, I lived in a central Wellington apartment on Cuba Street with three other young ladies. We were all single. Three of us were actors and one of us was a student. We were all semi-employed but mostly idle, and every bit curious about the world and boys. Of course boys! Our apartment was a total bachelorette pad. We painted our front door candy pink and stuck half naked pictures of sexy men on the walls of our communal multi toileted bathroom. We were turning the tables as we saw it. A ‘use them before they use you’, kind of deal. It was a game. And like any good game there are basic rules of play. These were the rules we had in place to stay on top and keep them boys wanting more. And most importantly, reduce the chances of heart break.
1. Seduction is the first rule of play. To seduce a man is not overly hard. First, dress like a fishing lure. In the case of fishing for men this means, expose either your boobs or your legs. Now, if you just want to attract a one night stand super quick, of course by all means expose both! But, if you actually enjoy the game of seduction and/or you’re fishing for a potential mate, then one of the two is all that is required. Secondly, master the hook. This involves selecting your victim, checking they are unattached to any other lady game players, then going in for the kill. Use eye contact, a subtle smile, some hair tossing and some casual laughter. Then take a walk-by, increasing eye contact and moving on to a seductive smile. If select victim does not approach after this, then he is either ‘not that into you’ or he is a pussy. If it is a case of the latter and you still really want a piece of that, then consider approaching him yourself. If you are not that direct, then how about casually striking up a conversation at the bar? Once you have them talking, keep them talking. Use charm and cheekiness. But most of all be confident and sure of yourself.
2. Do not attempt to select a victim whilst inebriated. Much like shopping for clothes whist drunk, is not wise. Your judgement will be impeded and you are more likely to forgive things you normally may not in a game partner. Stay relatively sober and in control of things. I made this mistake once. I didn't realise it but I was slightly more inebriated than I’d thought. I missed things. Little red flags that I didn’t pick up on before it was far far too late. I’d met a man, his name was Ben. Ben looked older than me but he told me he was 28 and I believed him. I didn’t notice at the time that he was greying around the temples. I also didn’t pick up on anything when he paid for the drink he’d offered me, with a handful of $2 coins.. It was only on our first official date that I realised that I was actually a bit drunk on our initial meeting. When I met him out front of my apartment he was obviously older than 28, more like 38, at least. Turned out he was 41, which is fine but I was 21. He took me to a bar and promptly ordered four large beers. I was confused. Were others joining us? Then he handed me my two beers. Oh, I thought. He wants to get me drunk. He thinks I’m a sure thing. He must have seen this thought processing across my face cus he quickly added “Just so we don’t have to keep getting up for more drinks.” I smiled and tried to make conversation, “So, what do you do?” He seemed almost offended at the question “I do a lot of things, I read, I cook, I garden, he trailed off. “Are you a gardener?” I asked. “Not really” he added. “So what do you do for a job?” “I sometimes do some painting” “Oh! Are you an artist?” “Oh no, no, I mean houses.” “Oh”. So…you don’t work?” He looked away and shook his head. It turned out he was a lifetime beneficiary, he had never worked a day in his life. But, there was more. After he made short work of his two beers he ordered himself two more and set onto them too. Not long after that, he was slurring his love for me, whist also trying to convince me he was a catch. “I can count all the bad things I’ve done on one hand!” Beaten someone up – one hand, Done heroin – one hand, stat rape – one hand, Prison – one hand. Not long after, he went to the bathroom and I ran for my life!
3. Don’t talk too much. Make them coax out the conversation. Do not blabber, make then do the work. Do not under any circumstances talk about shoes or shopping, unless of course they ask about your shoes. In which case I suspect he is actually after your guy friend and not you at all.
4. Practice the bunny in the road philosophy. For those who do not know the ancient story of the bunny in the road philosophy let me explain. Picture this: A cute little bunny is hopping across the road when a car comes tearing down said road, a young man behind the wheel. But instead of running for the side road, the bunny stays in the middle of the road, willing the young man to hit her. “Come and get me” she says desperately. The young boy in this situation will always stop dead to avoid hitting the bunny. However if the young bunny were to make a desperate dash to the side of the road to save herself the young boy would do everything in his power to squish said bunny with his mag wheels. The young man will always swerve to hit the bunny who tries to run away, and always swerve to miss the desperate bunny. So remember, don’t be the desperate bunny.
5. Don’t shag on the first date if you want there to be more dates. It is absolutely fine to shag on the first date if that is all you want. And sometimes that is - All. You. Want. Some guys are gorgeous but that may be all. I met one such guy out in town one night. He was deeelicious! A tall athletic hunk of bedtime fun, dressed in good jeans and a tightly fitting t-shirt. He waltzed into the bar and my jar dropped to my groin. Dear god I wanted to tap that. The coolest part was that he waltzed right up to me, smiled and asked me what I was drinking. Booya! I thought. The saddest thing was that his face was average and his personality (or lack thereof) was worse. My lady boner deflated. It turns out I am aroused more by words and charm than a six pack and good shoulders. Looking back I really should have tapped that. It would’ve been fun. Like riding the roller-coaster at Disney land. When I told a friend about him and how I’d thrown him back like a reject fishy, she gave me some fantastic advice on what do with a great body/average face kind of guy: “You should’ve just paper bagged him hun!” She’d said. Gold.
6. Do not practice the old rule of “If I don’t shave my legs I won’t sleep with him tonight”. It doesn’t work. Sometimes we just can’t help ourselves. It is no fun to have first time sex with someone when you look like a wookie. I’m all about body confidence regardless of how hairy you may be on a given day, but realistically, it’s hard to take charge of a lover when you’re sporting a bush like the amazon. No one wants to waste time trying to find their way through the jungle.
7. Never ever, double text. Double texting makes you look desperate. Guys do not like desperate girls (see rule one). If you are the type to get obsessive and possibly drunk dial, it may pay to delete their phone number after you text. That way there is no chance of double texting. Once you double text the chances of the man in question actually texting you back reduce by 50%.
8. Sisters before misters – always choose the girls over the boys. Always. It can only help with rule 4 and girls really are more fun anyway*
*until you meet The One that is, then they are more fun. Multiple orgasms are also fun, hence why when you meet The One you are likely to blow everyone off to see your beloved.
9. The trick is not to like them back. Funnily this usually only works when you actually don’t like them back, which makes it annoying when they like you for it and wont bugger off and leave you alone. This happened to me once. I was dating a Scottish guy who I really had no interest in. I wasn’t attracted to him at all but kept dating him because back then I placed far too much value on not being single. I was about to break up with him when a friend told me not to. “He really likes you!” she beamed. “He does?” I was dumbfounded. I thought we were just sleeping together till we both found someone better. “He likes you so much and he said that it kills him that you never call him back and that you blow him off sometimes to go out with the girls instead” she added. The reason I never called him back was because I didn’t want to and I went out with the girls instead. They were more fun! But when I heard that he’d said this to my friend, it triggered something in my head. “Maybe I do like him” I thought. So I didn’t break up with him. Over the next few weeks I changed my ways. I stopped blowing him off for the girls and I started calling him back. I let him stay over too - previously I’d kick him out at the end of the night. I even called him once to see if he wanted to come over. Low and behold, not surprisingly, after I finally stopped playing hard to get, he suddenly realised he wasn’t that interested in me any more and HE broke up with ME. I could not believe it. “Are you kidding me?” I shrieked down the phone (yes he also broke up with me over the phone!) I went off on a tangent about how typical it was that he was breaking up with me after I’d finally shown some interest in him. He said I was making things up. All I could do was scream “The trick is not to like them back!” about five times and then slam the phone down. I wasn’t upset. Just pissed off at myself for bothering with someone I didn’t even like.
10. Do not plan to stay friends after a break up. It just does not work. It is shitty and awful. Any guy who breaks up with you and wants to stay friends is a lying asshole. He doesn’t want to be friends. He is just softening the blow and keeping you around for a potential booty call. Unless you have no illusions that he will ever end up being 'the one' and you have no issues with being used for sex, don’t play into the 'staying friends' game.
N.B: It is fine to stay friends if the boy in question discovers he is gay and/or you never slept together.
11. Do not keep a shag buddy that you would like to be more than a shag buddy. If you end up with a shag buddy, good for you. The young gentleman who featured in rule 5 would've made a fantastic shag buddy. Why? For the very reasons that made me want to shag him and also not want to shag him. He was sexy and super athletic but I had no interest in having any kind of relationship with him. At all. We had nothing to talk about. In fact I don’t even know if he could talk. He hardly managed five words at a time. There was absolutely no chance of becoming attached. Never date a shag buddy. Do not go to the movies or out dinner. Just shag. Anything more will confuse the situation. A guy who asks to be your shag buddy is basically telling you he is not that into you, but he thinks you are sexy. Not all bad. But not all good either.
12. If a guy asks you out for a ‘beer’ it doesn’t mean he thinks you are just friends. I made this mistake once. I was sure that "catch up for a beer” was the international code word for “I like you as a friend, want to catch up?” I was wrong. When I got there he was all handsy and asked if I wanted to go away with him for the long weekend. I was totally un-expecting it. He wasn’t really my type, so I answered a fake phone call and excused myself as I “had to go and console my flatmate who had just broken up with her boyfriend.”
13. The final and most important rule. If and when you meet 'The One', all bets are off and all rules are void. There are no games to be played. Just be yourself and disregard all aforementioned rules. This is what happened when I met The One. I broke all the rules and so did he, and 10 years on, we couldn’t be happier.
December - not to be confused with November. Now that December is here we can OFFICIALLY celebrate Christmas - for the whole month!!! Yay.
This means you are now permitted to put up your Christmas tree, eat your advent calendar chocolate, shop until you are in overdraft and eat and drink as much as you want. Christmas is fabulous. Something about the festive season just makes me happy and excited - Plan the Christmas menu? Yes please! Organise the office Christmas party? Why not. Buy presents for every single person I can think of? Go for it. See every single family member repeatedly? Woohoo! I love Christmas. I love it. I am the opposite of that man who hates Christmas. What is his name? The Grinch or Grouch or something. Who cares. No one can dampen my Christmas cheer. It is time to celebrate. It is time to celebrate now that it is DECEMBER (not to be confused with November).
CHALLENGE - Make your own advent calendar. There's loads of instructions on the net and there is still time!